The Top 3 Questions People Ask a Family Mediator at a Cocktail Party
Some people, when they find out what I do for a living, start looking for the nearest exit—almost as if divorce is contagious. Most, however, are curious and take the opportunity to ask the questions they’ve always wondered about but never had the chance to ask.
Many people are unsure what mediation is and often wonder if it’s the same as therapy – no, it isn’t, even though there can be a lot of emotions, and some people do find it therapeutic. Others want to know details that I cannot disclose due to confidentiality, and a few people are interested in learning more about my background and what drew me to this line of work.
Aside from the questions described above, as a family mediator based in Victoria, BC here are the top 3 questions I get asked at a cocktail party:
1. “How can you bulletproof your marriage?”
Spoiler alert! You can’t. Of course, there is a lot that you can do to benefit your relationship, but I will leave this topic for relationship experts to answer, aside from what we are taught in kindergarten (i.e., is what I am doing kind, helpful and considerate of others).
In my humble opinion one or both spouses could be doing everything right and yet we are all a product of our experiences, have innate set points or temperaments and just might not be a match until the end of time with another person. I would also add that as soon as one person has decided to leave the relationship, you do not have a lot of options and it may truly be more about them than you.
Intimate long-term relationships often require a lot of work or care from both people, and you can only control what you do or do not do.
2. “What is the most common mistake you see people make?”
This is a deeper question, often in the context of wanting to learn more about negotiation. Whether someone is single, separated, or in a relationship—regardless of background or socioeconomic status—inside or outside the mediation room, one pattern consistently emerges. I know I’m being bold here, but the most common mistake I see is making decisions with a myopic focus, without considering the bigger picture or long-term implications.
In my blog, “Separated? Consider the Butterfly Effect” I discuss how small events (or decisions) can have far-reaching or downstream consequences. I am sure we have all made what we thought were good choices or decisions only to learn more later and discover we had not. None of us know what we do not know.
3. “My wife (or husband) and I never argue, I guess we are just lucky?”
Okay, so this is more of a statement than a question, but I hear it a lot. The good news? If both spouses are conflict-avoidant, that can feel like a win. The bad news is that one partner—or both—might be quietly simmering what I’ve come to call resentment stew, which, over time, can slowly erode the foundation of a relationship.
Over the years, I’ve heard from hundreds of clients who said they never argued. (And just to state the obvious—if they’re my clients, they’re now separated.) So for those of you who do argue with your partner, you can breathe a small sigh of relief because arguing is not necessarily bad for relationships. That said, arguing isn’t something to aim for more of either.
Work with Amy Robertson Mediation Services
While these questions may start as small talk, they reflect a real interest in relationships and what happens when they change. If you’re considering a separation or divorce, working with a family mediator can help ensure that you have a big-picture view. When it comes to your children and your finances this is important. Contact Us to learn more.
